Tucked Tails

How can you tell if there are “demons” in your safest haven when they come dressed as angels? You learn to check for tucked tails.

I think one of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn is that of discernment. There is a lot that trauma can take from you, but I think one of the most difficult things to lose is trust and the ability to do so freely. So often, it is thought that the act of betrayal is the most hurtful of all fallouts. In my opinion, it is the security that acts of betrayal rob you of - the optimism and hope of a belief in more than one’s self. In a world riddled with cruelty and wickedness, having something to believe in makes it bearable. However, knowing whether you believe in the right or wrong thing is essential to not only your safety but also your health in all ways - mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

This task is daunting, and you must do it while also straddling the fence on whether to speak up or stay quiet. I’ve learned in my many encounters with betrayal that honesty/authenticity don’t guarantee favor. I’ve learned that support isn’t a given, even if you’re the only one showing up with a moral compass. I’ve learned that you have to “play the game” to get by unscathed - and by that I mean, feed into the ego of others, move with fake niceties, and act like you’re blind when you see vile behaviors lest you get left behind or worse, targeted.

See, the difference between discernment and vilification is that the former requires no audience. And on your healing journey, if you were neglected or dismissed and invalidated, you want to be heard. you want to share your trauma, you want to bring those who’ve harmed you to justice - justice that you know you deserve. But if you don’t play the game the way you’re supposed to, you will be the one who loses twice over. After you grieve the loss of a fair outcome, you realize that an audience isn’t desired either way. I’d much rather know the truth and let others find out on their own time, and even if they never do, it doesn’t mean my experience was any less real. It doesn’t mean that what I feel and went through was any less valid, and that is enough.

The best part about accepting the above is knowing the truth won’t stop me from living my life. Once you let go, it becomes so much easier to move forward with apologies you’ll never get and a new understanding of red flags to look out for: when words and actions don’t align, a consistent pattern of lying, constant attempts to have you question your reality, and intentions to make you doubt yourself over and over.

I’ve taken up the 3-strike rule as my go-to method of self-protection when it comes to forming interpersonal relationships:

Once - An Incident

Twice - A Coincidence

Thrice - Pattern

With healthy communication (even if it’s only from you), using the rule above can do wonders to keep you safe. You express clear boundaries and feelings of discomfort for something that was done. If they acknowledge it and continue to repeat it, the third time you’ll have established a pattern and you know that your boundaries aren’t being respected. It takes time to reach this stage of severity, but when you’ve given chance after chance at your expense, it is only fair you’d want to keep yourself protected. And don’t forget the right people will always accept and acknowledge that.

I hope you keep your havens safe.

With love, always.