Losing Breath.

You lose your breath in many ways

1. When you’re first learning how to swim, and they shove you into the ocean,
the current pushing and pulling away the little bit of safety you feel, until your instincts kick in to save you.

2. When the ones who are supposed to love you, take it away with their bare hands for mistakes you didn’t get a chance to learn from, in times where you were expected to know it all, with qualities you had no control over but were resented for.

3. When using your body as a device to distract yourself from the trauma you’ve experienced, running and jumping, lifting and lunging, your lungs expanding and collapsing in real time to the beat of the music you drown yourself in.

4. When you first hear the words “I love you” without having said it first, without needing to say it back, a lover who wanted you to know just so that they could prove to you, you were always worthy.

5. When it’s time for you to move on to the other side, and the last of the air you inhale is peaceful after having been jagged and desperate all your life from your fears, & the being within your shell finally releases itself from its home.

But there are the times where the wind is knocked out of you, accompanied by the shattering of your fragile heart

by cruel words you never expected to hear

by hidden truths and exposed lies you never expected to see

by revelations you were in denial of for so long that turned out to be so horribly right

...and I consider those kinds the worst

because they make you wish

in those moments

that it was your last breath